No, I'm not talking about the countless instances of a child discovering his parent's Rick James-sized stash of cocaine and handing out samples at the local elementary like he was working the deli counter at Wegman's. There's plenty of examples of those to be had in the news:
Nor am I talking about a precocious lad sneaking off to class with his dad's howitzer and causing a building-wide evacuation.
This happens so much that just a search on 'guns' and 'school' caused Google News to shut down for an hour.
If I was a more talented writer I might throw in a poigant comment about how nowhere else is the loss of innocence better exemplified than in these types of stories, where a child innocently happens upon his parents' secret vice and brings it in to literally show off to their friends and teachers. I might say how as parents it is our sacred responsibility to shelter our children from the harsh realities of the adult world and to protect their innocence at all costs, for as long as we can. But I'm not, so heres a video of something called the
Afghan Armpit Song.
Brilliant. Watch that again if you want. I'll wait. Hopefully by now you've forgotten all bout little Sally essentially drug-muling smack to school in her Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox. Not yet? Do you want a hug? C'mere you. Fair warning--I hug too long and utterly the wrong way.
No, this article is about three absolutely horrific, albeit hilarious, items in which kids have brought (and continue to this day to bring) to school all in the name of one-upping their peers. And I talked to a real-life teacher for this article which brings me one step up the journalistic ladder from 'weirdo in his basement left alone with a
computer' to 'muckracker'. But don't worry, I still typed up the entire thing using only my penis.
The teacher I interviewed for this article wishes to remain anonymous because apparently openly mocking your grade school age children is a thing that is specifically spelled out in the teacher's handbook, and because she wishes to continue to eat Ramen noodles for the foreseeable future. For the sake of this article, we'll call her Mrs. Sugartits because I know she'd hate that.
1. Enough Wild Animals to Start a Zoo
Apparently, even in the fairly large city where Mrs. Sugartits works, wild animals run amok. For show and tell, her students regularly bring in stray dogs, cats, and rats. Which is awesome and hilarious, but not really up to my usual standards. So here's a few other examples I found online:
A Lion Cub
So Billy brought his goldfish in last week, huh? Well, fuck Billy. Here's a lion cub I found and nursed back to health with my own blood.
There's only a few places where this kind of thing can occur. In Africa where, if the Lion King has taught me anything, is where lions live (and sing and betray their distant relatives), and areas near absent-minded circus owners (so Russia).
I love this story so much I want to buy it dinner and tell it how it completes me. I love that the kids found this lion cub and, rather than soiling themselves, immediately thought 'we must share this amazing find with all of
our friends!' I love that no one got hurt which is usually the end product of blissful stupidity and abandoned man killers. And I love that the article sort of hints that this 'aint no thang' in Russia. Which is cool and all but it's not transmit rabies and malaria cool. Which is what this kid attempted to by bringing a live bat to school:
A Rabid Bat:
Do I even have to mention this happened in Florida? Because it did. And though I'm too lazy to Mapquest the city, I'm guessing it was in the northern part because hat's where the real, pun totally intended, batshit activity always happens.
Most of the article focuses on rabies prevention tips which is perfectly understandable because it's not like the bat was a pet in a cage. No, the kid kept it stuffed in his backpack. That is, when he wasn't passing it around for the other kids to pet. Which they did because, well, they're kids.
2. Sex Toys! Most parents know to lock up their weapons. So why do they think it's okay to leave their vibrators lying around the house like sporting equipment?
You do not want to see the graphic I had for this. Nor the caption.
According to Mrs. Sugartits, she sees a sex toy at least once a semester. And not like a little purring dildo. We're talking the jackhammer equivalent of the sexual enhancement world. Items with spikes where spikes should not be. Various lubes and edible items that even a goat would turn its nose up at. Pictures. Indecent, horrible, unflattering pictures.
And what do you do when a kid shows up with a ballgag and something called a 'Rotating Pork Sword'? Do you confiscate the item? Um, no, because gross. Do you calmly explain what it actually is? (Hint, it's not a fancy electric toothbrush. Your dad may be a dentist but no one cares THAT much about their teeth?). According to Mrs. Sugartits, "You politely smile, keep the 'tell' portion as short as possible, and call on the kid who brought in the wounded and bleeding raccoon. I could add a few links to some hilarious stories of preschoolers dragging in something called a sybian to school, but my internet cache is suspect enough.
3. So Many Body Parts
Fortunately, this next entry is more a yearly than a quarterly occurrence, but I contend that any frequency of a child bringing in a severed body part to school is too many.
So apparently the world that we live in--you, me, Gary Busey, that really hot postal worker--is a broken world. A world in which children have frequent access to severed limbs and brains in jars. It's also a world where apparently people nonchalantly go hopping along without reporting the unexpected theft of an appendage.
And what happens when a child discoveres that lonely body part? They pack it up in tinfoil and bring it to school, of course.
Here's a story where a parent thought it would be cute to drag a severed arm into a room full of kids (it wasn't even his arm for gosh sakes):
Search around a little while. You'll find similar stories of brains in jars, mummified hands, and what one teacher assumed was a finger, but I'm going to pretend was someone's detachable penis (I'm a huge King Missile fan).
Mrs. Sugartits, who has been in the teaching game for almost a decade, has encountered more than her share of severed limbs because, "Many of the students' parents are doctors." Doesn't really explain a lot though. I work in computers but I don't get to take servers home with me. You'd think a doctor might be under just a little more scrutiny than say, an underpaid office worker.
Still, you've got to enjoy the mental image of a little kid explaining why the severed hand of the prisoner he brought to school is not cursed and most certainly will not crawl across the floor like Thing in the Addams Family while everyone around him loses their shit.
So the next time show and tell runs around, lock up the pictures of you and your husband in your little Bo Beep outfits. Hide the french ticklers and the wild squirrels. Dispose of your body parts properly. Mrs. Sugartits is waiting for you. And she's judging you.