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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Ironic Animal Attacks

Animals have no sense of irony. Nowhere is this more evident than in Anton Chekhov's short story "Lady with a Dog", and, oh my god, I've nearly put myself to sleep.

I can't come up with a clever intro. So here's a bunch of animals doing terrible things and terribly ironic things, without stopping to appreciate either because animals are both jerks and stupid.

5. Giant Squid Attacks Greenpeace Submarine
http://www.news.com.au/world/giant-squid-attacks-greenpeace-submarine/story-fndir2ev-1227088720037
"Get your tentacle out of my ass."

Clearly, this Greenpeace sub interrupted the squids' annual Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea reenactment party and their hostile reaction was only appropriate.

Irony Rating: 6 Eye Rolls. Who doesn't appreciate smug Green Peacers get a slap-down (tentacle-down) from the animal kingdom every now and again?

4. Swan Attacks Rescuer
http://abc13.com/pets/baby-swan-saved-man-attacked-by-angry-dad-swan-during-rescue/317731/

"You can blur his face but you can't protect his dignity."

When an adorable baby swan got caught in a fence, an old man swooped in to the rescue. Which, if you know anything about swans, is exactly the last thing you should do to a baby swan when its parent is nearby. Swans are actually the third dickiest of birds out there, just behind peacocks and pigeons (i.e., flying rats with wings).

Irony Rating: 7 Eye Rolls. This gets extra points for involving both a graceful bird freaking the fuck out, a baby, and an old man. It's a toxic, powerful combination for both humor and catastrophe.

3. Freed Minks Show No Appreciation
http://articles.philly.com/1998-08-12/news/25725544_1_mink-farm-animals-fur-coats
"Won't someone please think of the minks--oh, wait, never mind, they're bloodthirsty monsters."

Animal activists, whose thoughts were no doubt muddled by their strict vegetarian diets, decided to free almost 7000 minks from a mink farm into the English countryside in what was probably the most adorable stampede of all time. And how did those mink show their appreciation? By slaughtering every cat, hamster, chicken, guinea pig and hen that crossed their path. They've even targeted a few endangered animals as well. One of the minks' coordinated attacks (you can just picture them rubbing their tiny little paws together and chittering evilly) was on a bird sanctuary (i.e., a place that rescues animals), forcing the workers there to literally take up arms to protect their beloved birds. That's right, animal sanctuary workers are murdering one animal to protect it from another. This is a story that just keeps on giving.

Irony Rating: 10 eye rolls. Honestly, the only way this story would be perfect if the minks somehow found a way to combine like a Voltron of ungodly cuteness and destroyed the animal liberators headquarters.

2. Bull Attacks Activist
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/protester-gored-by-bull-cried-for-animal-1593226.html

"This is crazy. I can't believe we all wore the same outfit."

"Vicki Moore, the animal rights campaigner gored by a bull during a Spanish "blood fiesta", burst into tears and murmured "poor bull" when she was told that the animal had been shot after the attack." Who's crying now bitch!

The activist is now on a strictly meat diet.

Irony Rating: 4 eye rolls. Animal Activists, on the whole, are emotional, knee-jerk douches who subside purely on their own smugness and alfalfa sprouts. Anytime the animal steps in to give them a good beat-down is both ironic and appreciated.

1. Shot by a Camel
http://www.burkeandwills.net.au/Camels/Introducing_Camels_Into_Australia.htm

"In the camel world, this is pretty risquĂ© porn."

It requires a lot of work to get shot by a camel. For one, they don't have opposable thumbs so there's that. Second, most camels' preferred method of warfare is projectile spitting. But that wasn't going to stop John Ainsworth Horrocks, an intrepid explorer in the days when people could still be called intrepid without rolling your eyes. Not only did John arm the camel, he had it imported into Australia just for the occassion.

While exploring southern coast, Ainsworth and his completely unironically named pet camel Harry decided to take a rest and shoot some local birds. The camel, sensing his window of opportunity, chose that moment to buck wildly, sending an errant shot into poor John's hand and face. He would die a month later from the wounds. Harry would be immediately put down. And Australia would have to wait decades until someone else would get shot by a camel.

Irony rating: 0 eye rolls. This isn't at all ironic, really. It's just a hilarious story of a dumb-ass on a camel getting shot and I couldn't resist including it.